Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Repeating Exercise Struggles
Today we did the repeating exercise and I was completely off on what I said yesterday. I have no idea what I'm doing. I am completely lost. I'm lost in trying to explain why I am lost. That's how confused I am and it's frustrating me. I'm told I'm close to not acting in the scene and acting like myself. I don't know what that feels like when I'm in the scene. I can't tell. If I can't tell when I get it, how will I know when I've succeeded? I'm a very organized person. I always know what I need to do get from Point A to Point B and I know when I've reached Point B. There is no Point A or Point B here. I don't know how to get there and I won't know when I do so this is why it's extremely frustrating. I expect to get more and more frustrated in the upcoming days and even though I'm close to this next breakthrough, I won't know when I do. From what it seems like, it's so simple that when I actually get it, it will feel like nothing so again I won't know I did anything. This frustrates me even more. Essentially, all of this is really frustrating.
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" I'm a very organized person. I always know what I need to do get from Point A to Point B and I know when I've reached Point B."
ReplyDeleteReally? THe truth is often one doesn't know how to get from point A to point B. The truth is also that very often in life what we do is try to make someone else move from point A to point B.
"I don't know how to get there and I won't know when I do"
Exactly. So stop trying to do anything. Its exactly like life. How do you get to being who you are when you're just being who you are and not TRYING to be who you are. It's exactly that.
It isn't getting somewhere. It isn't doing anything in particular. That is what it is. It's what you do when you're all angry and upset at me when I stop the scene. It's that, it's not the scene. I get you upset in the hopes that you bring the upset to the scene. Do you see?
No, I still don't get it. I'm just letting emotions out and then I start "acting" which is bad and I don't even know when I'm doing it so I can't correct myself. If I'm supposed to feel real emotions, I actually felt angry and upset, why stop the scene if that's what I actually felt? I don't understand any of this. I can't tell right from wrong so every time I say a word, it's a leap of faith, a hope that I'll do it right and I won't even know if it's what I'm supposed to do.
ReplyDeleteThis is right, all of what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't stopping the scene because you were feeling angry and upset; I was stopping the scene because it was sliding into a pre-recorded sort of thing. All actors have a "tell." It's a mannerism they fall back on, a programmed behavior that comes out. So when I see your "tell" appearing I stop you.
I know this is very frustrating to you, and I am being as gentle as I can be, but there will be those days when you want to kill me. This was one of them. You made really nice progress today. I know you have no idea what that means, but you will soon enough. Hang in there!
I don't know what my tell is. How would I know when I start to fall back on something? I didn't even know that existed. There is so much stuff that I don't know I'm doing and even when it's pointed out, I don't know I'm doing it and all of it is so incredibly aggravating. It's hard to feel like I've made any progress when I am as lost as I am.
ReplyDeleteOf course you don't know what your tell is!
ReplyDeleteYou'll eventually know when you fall back into things you shouldn't be falling back into, but at first it is very hard.
Some things are very insidious - ingrained habits that are old - and they're hard to see.